Advice: People Who Can't Apologize

Why would some people rather watch the world burn than admit they're wrong?

If you’re looking for advice, you can email (heatherannehogan at gmail dot com) with the phrase “Cattywampus Advice” in the subject. I’m unable to answer every question, but I’ll do my best to answer as many as I can!

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Hey, Heather! 

I know it's cliche to be a queer woman with mommy issues, but what can I say? I also have a denim vest covered in National Parks patches. We are who we are, right? Anyway, I'm emailing because you said you might be giving out advice in your new newsletter and I could really use some, especially from another adult queer woman who's written about her struggles with her mom. The short story is that my mom and I are trying to reconcile after some time apart and she cannot (CANNOT!!!!) apologize. I won't go into the details of why I needed some space from her except to say that she is hyper-critical. She has unbelievably unrealistic expectations for me and my brother. She's obsessed with appearances, both physical and societal, and views me and my brother's looks and success as a reflection of her own. And yet, somehow, she is very competitive with me specifically. (So uh I guess I WILL go into why, haha.) 

Anyway, we're trying to reconcile but I'm finding it hard because she refuses to be accountable for any of the messed up things she's done. She refuses to admit that she’s made bad choices, even if there's proof, even if my brother is right there saying, "Mom, this DID happen." If she does admit to something she did wrong, she frames it like it was my fault, as if I provoked her into being that way. Mostly she just acts like she's the victim for me even having the gall to bring this stuff up, even though SHE'S THE ONE who suggested she was ready to "make amends" to repair our relationship. I'm so frustrated!  Like WHY won’t she just apologize? WHY??

Thank you for reading even if you can't answer. It does help me feel less alone knowing you've likely been through similar situations with your own mother.

All the best,
Cliche Mommy Issues 

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Mommy Issues, hello! (Funny, that's exactly what I say when I arrive at therapy every week.)

Before I get into the advice part of this letter, I want to congratulate you on several things. Number one, the fact that you're able to see your mom's behavior clearly, and have already started setting boundaries? That's further than most people ever get with toxic parents. So, high five! Number two, the fact that you and your brother have managed to keep your mom from triangulating you and pitting you against each other? That's going to be absolutely crucial in your healing journey. Parents who do the things you describe your mom doing, they often split their kids into the Golden Child and the Scapegoat to keep them apart so they can't compare stories and experiences, and especially so they can't support each other in standing up to the toxic parent. So, double high five! You've clearly already put in so much work trying to find healthy paths forward, with or without your mom. I admire that so much. 

I've been thinking about apologizing a lot in recent years because I've watched multiple people I once admired blow up their entire worlds, rather than simply saying, "I messed that up. I'm sorry." Sometimes I think people don't apologize because they don't care enough about the person or the situation to work on fixing it. And sometimes I think people don't apologize because they don't think it will matter, like if someone already actively dislikes you, and you step on their toe, will an apology for the toe thing suddenly make them your friend? No, probably not. They're probably going to keep actively disliking you, the way they did before you gave them a toe stinger. So, we rationalize, what's even the point of saying sorry to that person? It's not going to change anything (even if it’s the right thing to do!).

But those are situational reasons people don't apologize; there are also people who refuse to apologize, no matter what their relationship is with the person/people they've hurt. This sounds, to me, like what's happening with your mom. She approached you with the idea that she wants to "make amends," which means she knows she needs to offer you at least the illusion of an apology to have a relationship with you — but when it comes down to the part where she actually has to look at and accept the pain she's caused, she can't make herself do it. 

My therapist once told me that people who won't accept responsibility for their actions are, quite literally, psychologically tortured by even the idea of apologizing. Right, because while most people think that apologizing is admitting weakness, the truth is that sincerely apologizing is showcasing a whole lot of strength. It's having a sense of self that's strong enough to engage with a bunch of complicated truths without crumbling. You have to be able to hold the truth that you can be a good person who also hurts people; the truth that you can be trying your dang hardest at your relationships and also fail the people you love; that you can strive to do everything right and also still get stuff wrong. 

Philosophy/science journalist Robert Wright wrote that natural selection didn’t design our minds to see the world clearly; it designed our minds to have perceptions and beliefs that will keep us comfortable — and admitting that we've made mistakes and hurt people? Well, that's not comfortable at all. People will jump through all kinds of mind-bending hoops to preserve their innocence in their own minds. If their egos are fragile, if their senses of self are delicate little teacup things, even considering that they've messed up might make them feel like they're going to shatter. So, instead of doing that, they start the cycle you've described here with your mom: They deny what happened, they minimize it, they say it was a joke, they convince themselves the other person is overreacting — and if none of that works, they flip the script and decide that, actually, we're the ones hurting them, and oh wow, do they let us know it.

In my experience, people who can't apologize hardly ever learn to do it. Or, on the very rare occasion they do apologize, it's because they're faced with such extreme repercussions for their actions, the only other choice is self-destruction. And, like I said at the beginning, plenty of non-apologizers do, in fact, choose to watch their lives burn down rather than owning their mistakes.

Take your mom here, for example. She continues to play with the idea of losing her relationship with her daughter, instead of looking at and accepting the fact that she hurt you, and committing to make different choices that won't hurt you in the future. My mom died estranged from her children rather than saying, "I shouldn't have thrown dishes at you. I'm sorry." I've lost friends and colleagues in the same way. I once had a work acquaintance ask me to help her edit the draft of a professional apology, and the draft she sent me literally said, "I'm sorry for _________." She wanted me to fill in the blanks for what she was sorry for! She couldn't even conceive it to type it out! I ended my friendship with her after that and have watched her crumble under PR crisis after PR crisis because she still, to this day, cannot apologize. 

Here's the thing: You can understand why people won't apologize, you can know in your heart that it's due to a fragile ego and weak sense of self. You can have empathy for whatever wounds they're protecting by throwing up all those defense mechanisms that won't let them admit they're wrong. But that doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship and keep letting them hurt you. You can understand the source of their actions without accepting their behavior. 

I think this might be where you are with your mom. I think you might have to accept the fact that she's never going to be able to give you the reconciliation you deserve because she's never going to be able to stand in her wrongness and accept that she made choices that hurt you. She is choosing the comfort of her own delusion over a relationship with her own daughter. And then, knowing that, you have to decide whether or not you can have her in your life going forward. A modified relationship maybe. A superficial one. One with steel trap-reinforced boundaries. Or maybe, honestly, none at all. If you can't heal and pursue a happy, healthy, peaceful life with her involved, well, that's your (very hard) answer. 

Two things that might help you find the support you need as you move through this realization: Understanding the incredibly common abuse tactic called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) and familiarizing yourself with the Narcissist's Prayer (That didn't happen / And if it did, it wasn't that bad / And if it was, that's not a big deal / And if it is, that's not my fault / And if it was, I didn't mean it / And if I did, you deserved it.) I think you might see your mom reflected in both of those things. 

I’m so sorry that you’re having to navigate this impossible situation, my friend. You deserve the kind of love that strives for soul-sustaining compassion, the kind of love that’s eager to help heal your pain when it misses the mark.

I'm sending you all my warmth and healing wishes,
now and always,
Heather