Agatha All Along According to Twitter

I haven't been able to watch Agatha yet, but I feel like I know the whole gay thing!

I haven't been able to watch Agatha All Along yet. I promised my wife I would wait and binge it with her when she’s done arm-wrestling a bunch of work deadlines. Now, I tried, at first, to mute all the Agatha spoiler words on Twitter, but that was a losing battle and I'm honestly never really that fussed about spoilers anyway, so I ended up just giving into it. And that's how come I feel confident that I know the whole story of this series despite not watching a single episode. Let me prove it to you. 

Agatha All Along, like Lord of the Rings, is a gay road trip romance. It tells the story of two immortal witches who have been following each other — stabbing and smooching — across the space-time continuum for basically their entire lives. Agatha Harkness (Kathryn Hahn) is a depressed, power-hungry top who is down bad over the love of her life, Rio Vidal (Aubrey Plaza), the brattiest bottom you have ever even heard of. Rio also is depressed and power-hungry. During one of the offs in their on-again/off-again relationship, Agatha tried to get something going with Wanda Maximoff (Elizabeth Olsen), but that didn't pan out due to a variety of reasons beyond Agatha's control. (Half the population of Earth getting snapped out of existence by another bratty little bottom, Eternal–Deviant Warlord Thanos, just for one example.) 

Agatha's so messed up over losing not one, but two of the world's most powerful chaos agents that she's become a shell of her former self. Wanda was no Rio, but she was brilliant and powerful and beautiful and could be coaxed into murder every now and then. You know, and not every love is going to be as intense and all-consuming as your first love. They had fun, didn't they? They exploded some men. They did some Dreamwalking. In her misery, Agatha's given up doing the best job (witch) and started doing the worst job (cop). And in her weakest moments, she hallucinates that Rio is her boss. That Rio lets herself into Agatha's house sometimes late at night, two too many buttons undone on the shirt she's wearing underneath her blazer for it to be a casual call amongst old friends. Sitting down by the fire, bisexually, in Agatha's living room, smirking and flirting, also bisexually. 

Sensing that she's truly at rock bottom, Agatha's coven convenes to try to take her mind off of losing Wanda. They don't want her to start texting Rio (or worse: doing unhinged Jester Lavorre-caliber Sending spells at her), so they all arrive at Agatha's house with plans to take a vacation. Many locations are suggested. Skiing in Aspen, sunbathing in Palm Springs — but ultimately they decide to go down, down, down the road, down the Witches Road. They'll do some burning, some brewing, some glory-chasing, a handful of bottomless brunches. It's gonna be great. And in the end, Agatha will be ready to come back home and set up a profile on GothMatch. 

The thing about a coven, of course, is that it's gotta be made up of a whole gaggle of different kinds of witches. The Baby-Sitter's Club could never be ALL Kristy Thomases. It would collapse under that kind of relentlessly bossy energy. And so Agatha's coven has Jennifer Kale who does Potions, Alice Wu-Gulliver who does Security, ​​Sharon Davis who is kind of the Logan Bruno of the group (useless, in the way), Patti LuPone who does Fuck You I'm From Long Island dark magic, and hobbit-haired teen heartthrob Charlie Spring who I think got into the coven because he attends Truham School, the gayest academic institution in England. 

Well and they hardly make it out the door before they lose Sharon Davis to food poisoning and guess who arrives to take her place? Freaking Rio Vidal. She's traded the cop suit for all black everything: cloak, cowl, belt, leather pants, eyeliner, eyeliner, eyeliner. She looks like Emily Dickinson's most erotic dream come to life. Agatha & Co. do need another coven member to continue their journey, so Agatha gives in and agrees that Rio can go down on her — er, down with her and the gang to the Witches Road. 

At first it seems as if Agatha and Rio are gay for each other because all they do is act gay for each other, but, as we all know by now, that is not enough to make someone canonically gay in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Luckily, Agatha leaves no room for interpretation, finally saying out loud: "If you want answers that aren't cryptic and fruity, ask someone who isn't a dyke." 

Okay and see here's the thing about being a sorcerer for thousands of years: You sometimes gotta make some really tough decisions. Like, let's say you don't just look like a manifestation of Emily Dickinson's carnal fantasies. Let's say you actually ARE Death. And that you kindly stopped one time for your lover's son because that's your JOB. And your lover never forgave you, even though she knew going into it that you were LITERALLY DEATH, and she herself has been responsible for jabbing a lot of men in the gizzards and whacking guys with axes over the millennia, so it's not like she's some INNOCENT FLOWER. And even though she is still so mad at you it feels like her blood is on fire, she's still in fucking love with you, and you're still in fucking love with her, and just, ugh! UGH! 

Not to Thor’s hammer the Dickinson thing, but like: 

A Death blow is a Life blow to Some
Who till they died, did not alive become—
Who had they lived, had died but when
They died, Vitality begun.

You know? 

Well, that's what is revealed on the Witches Road girls trip! Which, by the way, is not some scenic train ride. It is, in fact, a whole demon-infested mess. There’s no mimosas and chicken and waffles; there’s baddies zapping through portals to slit the coven’s throats. There’s no vineyard tours or spa days; there’s blood-thirsty spectral goblins. There’s no sweet nostalgia on a craft brewery tour (“Aw, Aggie, remember when you got your first cauldron and tried to brew ale?”); there’s shocking revelations about ORIGINAL WITCH IDENTITIES and SONS OF WITCHES. Patti LuPone totally gets murdered by some motherfuckers! It is an intense scene and not the kind of vacation you’d want to go on for a bridesmaids weekend.

And who even knows who will get knifed or gay kissed with tongue next.

Agatha All Along is sort of like Killing Eve, but with magic. Less Paris and more Salem. Less “fuck you” and more “fuck me.”

Tags: second chance romance, gay road trip, friends to lovers to enemies to lovers, hurt/hurt, mutual pining, angst, bad boy/bad boy, how about i slap your face and kiss your cheek, improper use of magic wands, death, Death, this is a gays only event go home, useless lesbians, occasional mentions of men, accidental baby acquisition, gays in the woods, homosexual noodle heads