Horror Movie Plots Based on Things I've Heard My Wife and Friends Say

"Florence Pugh goes on the worst honeymoon anyone's ever heard of."

I’ve firmly established that I absolutely cannot abide blood and gore — but none of my friends, or my wife, have that problem. In fact, most of the people I love really love horror, and I’ve spent a lot of time listening about it over the years. So much so that I feel confident describing the plots of basically all horror programming, including the hit series Yellowjackets (a bunch of lesbian soccer players do cannibalism after Christina Ricci commandeers a plane they’re on and crashes them in the Canadian wilderness directly inside the domain of the Queen of Antlers, a mythical gay goddess shaped like a deer who, like all homosexuals, wants Melanie Lynskey to be Queen). Maybe you also have not seen a lot of horror, or need a refresher before Halloween. Don’t worry, I’ve got you.

Frankenstein (1931)

The thing I personally know most about Frankenstein (the book) is that Mary Shelley wrote it when she and Percy Shelley and Lord Byron and John William Polidoro were trapped inside a spooky house during a big long storm, doing a bunch of drugs and sleeping with each other. Like basically how Fleetwood Mac wrote Rumours. The thing I personally know most about Frankenstein (the movie) is that Boris Karloff played the monster. Boris Karloff! The voice of Tony the Tiger and also the guy who sings “You're a Mean One, Mister Grinch!” What I know from other homosexuals is that Frankenstein is a guy who was brought to life by cruel science, immediately misunderstood, turned on by a bunch of angry villagers, and goaded into doing a bunch of scary activities. In this way, he's like the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, and also Villanelle from Killing Eve.

Halloween (1978)

Okay you know how women in movies and comic books get killed for having sex? Like as punishment for pleasure? Well, that's the biggest trope in horror and Michael Myers really cemented it in Halloween. He murdered his teenage sister for doing a handy to her boyfriend. Jamie Lee Curtis became his babysitter but she was not interested in his little homicidal games. "I think the fuck not!” she told Michael Myers. “I will absolutely not be slashed to death by a rude little child! I am Jamie Lee Curtis!" And this went on for about 25 more movies, in between which Jamie Lee Curtis also filmed two of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of our time: True Lies and Freaky Friday.

Alien (1979)

Was Sally Ride always dreaming of going to space? Yes, of course. It was her life's greatest ambition; she had moon dust in her bones! However, was Sally Ride a lesbian before she saw Ellen Ripley in a space suit? Who can say, really? What we do know is that Ellen Ripley made a lot of women gay and perhaps real life astronaut Sally Ride was one of them. It makes more sense than "space ice cream."

The Birds (1963)

The main thing you need to know here is that Alfred Hitchcock was the fuckin' wooooorst. He told Tippi Hedren, star of The Birds, that he wasn't going to have any live birds around when they filmed The Birds — but then he released a whole swarm of them on her in an attic without warning! He said there would only be animatronic ravens like if Edgar Allen Poe built a Chuck E. Cheese, but then he made her lay on the floor for five days while he threw live birds at her head! He was always saying he invented Tippi Hedren but what he actually invented was her trauma. He followed her around and answered all the interview questions people asked about him and honestly almost ruined her life. You know what would have been truly poetic? If Helen Henny, the robot chicken in Chuck E. Cheese's Munch's Make Believe Band, murdered Alfred Hitchcock. I’d probably watch that horror movie.

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Jodie Foster wears a sweatshirt over a turtleneck, which is just one of the ways this film explores the concept of female agency and the rejection of the male gaze. Jodie Foster in a turtleneck is inherently gay. Also, even though she was not out at this time, Jodie Foster's hairstyle and skirt-suits did contribute to the Dana Scully aesthetic, which created a bisexual pipeline that flourished in the early 1990s. Buffalo Bill is a lot of things, including an avatar for the voyeuristic pleasure both men and movies get from objectifying women. Also if you want to watch a movie about adorable farm animals, watch Babe, because, despite the promise of its name, there's no cute little sheeps frolicking around in this movie.

Scream (1996)

My wife and I were recently looking through some of her childhood photos, and frankly the way she was demonstrating her gayness by, like, kindergarten is aspirational. But there is a clear line when she took that intrinsic gayness and made it overt and unapologetic — and that line seems to have been crossed in 1996, which, by the way, is the year Scream came out. I know Neve Campbell wore a jean jacket in Scream. I know she heaved her bosom dramatically. I know she had the haircut that is now called The Bisexual Bob. I know she won the Original Scream and smirked while covered in blood. I know Sidney Prescott is the gayest name ever spoken out loud. I know gay boys feel a real strong affinity for Sidney Prescott and also that my wife would fist-fight them for her love. I tried to ask my wife to explain Ghostface to me but it ended up making me think I, personally, was going to get serial killed, so I had to make her stop that and go back to lusting after Neve Campbell, who just turned fifty, and who my wife said "GodDAMN" about when she saw her birthday photo. In summary, the plot of Scream is: Neve Campbell Makes 90s Teens Gay.

The Babadook (2014)

This top hatted shadow man is a queer icon due to the fact that his main goal was to destroy the establishment, and also to live a quiet life in Australia loving other men. (And also fighting kangaroos, which isn't specific to this movie, but living in Australia means that a kangaroo could hop up to you at any time and punch you in the face with its feet.) Babadook actually sprang forth from a baba-book called Mister Babadook, kind of like Harold and the Purple Crayon. Some people argue that Babadook is a dapper manifestation of depression, like that's not also gay?

Cat People (1942)

Unfortunately, this is not a nice movie about people who love cats. There's no cats sitting at the window doing their little trilly-chirps at birds. There's no kittens falling asleep standing up. There's no cats stuffing themselves into boxes or jars or fishbowls. There's no cats wearing colorful bowties. There's no orange cats sharing one brain cell, no black cats with big moon eyes, no Maine Coons doing complicated chemistry and looking like extra-fluffy raccoon burglars. No teensy kittens curling up with giant Rottweilers. No cats knocking stuff off shelves just for giggles. No cats standing on anyone's faces demanding breakfast at 5am. The whole thing is you can turn into a panther after having sex, I guess, which is better than getting axe-murdered for having sex but not as nice as just having a cuddle and some Gatorade (Glacier Freeze flavor) and going to sleep after having sex.

Midsommar (2019)

Florence Pugh goes on the worst honeymoon anyone's ever heard of. She thinks she's going to, like, a Nordic folk music festival where she can wear a white sundress and a flower crown and drink Brennivin, which is this Icelandic liquor that's made of potatoes and tastes like poisoned licorice. What actually happens is that she goes to a cult where they want her to be their cult leader, kind of like Twitter did when she showed up at Cannes to shame Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles that time. She cries a lot because it is a lot of pressure to be a cult leader. The other women also cry, probably because you're supposed to drink Brennivin with, I think, shark jerky, and that's upsetting. Some man pees on a tree and gets eaten by a bear and the real twist is that Florence Pugh is the bear. Like the Disney movie Brave, but with more blood and howling.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Before iPhones, these teenagers who should have been at home watching Dawson's Creek and debating about Pacey v. Dawson decided to go into the Forbidden Forest to make a movie. Every step of the way, they have chances to turn around and go home and watch The WB. Even Felicity or something. But nope! They're like, "Oh is this a spooky trail of sweets on the forest floor? Let's follow it!" "Oh is this an abandoned cabin with a boiling cauldron over the fire? Let's go inside." "Hey, Jimbo! Jimbo! You think I can fit inside this cauldron?" “Ha! Look at me! I’m boiling alive! Jimbo, take my picture! I’m boiling alive, ha ha!” Well, and then guess what? A witch jumps out and hits them all with an incapacitation spell, and — one-by-one — she cooks them over the fire like some barbecue. The whole thing is caught on VHS tape which is moot at this point because where can you even find a VCR these days?