My Keen Observations Upon Meeting the Tarot

The Chariot is exactly how Hollywood costume designers indicate that a character is bisexual. Denim on denim, leather, TWO motorcycles.

When I learned that I could not reach my full queer potential without owning a tarot deck, I bought Isabelle Rotman's The Might Hurt Tarot. It was queer as heck, the colors warmed my soul, and there appeared to be countless crush-worthy tomboys hidden inside the cards. My friend Meg Jones Wall advised me to get to know the Tarot by studying each card in the Major Arcana, and then journaling my feelings about what jumped out at me, what I vibed with, etc. Below I have transcribed my Tarot introduction. 

The Fool

Wow, what a pal! They've got a little bird on their shoulder. They've got a kooky dog frolicking at their heels. Two animal best friends is a sign of high character, or being a Disney Princess. Either way: a win. I'm sensing they're about to step off this cliff because they've opted to take a chance on their ability to fly rather than spend another day under the thumb of their micromanaging boss. Good for you, Fool!

The Magician

They seem awfully smug for someone who's doing some basic air-bending. Or, I dunno, maybe they're an apprentice wizard since they're only the second card in the deck, and, like the Karate Kid, they've got to learn to do controlled magic such as painting a fence and making coffee cups float before they're allowed to start spawning tornadoes. 

The High Priestess 

You know that scene in One Day at a Time when Elena meets Syd and she loses both her chill and her words and says, "No, no! Gay! ME, GAY!" That's what I act like whenever I meet a woman with the energy of this High Priestess, especially this particular High Priestess who is clearly both a writer and a witch. The little mushrooms at her feet indicate that she's also a Super Mario Bros. fan. So, you know, a perfect woman. 

The Empress

She reminds me of one of my wife's best friends named Jackie, who is one of the kindest and most genuinely wonderful people I've ever met, and I am just remembering that we haven't yet sent her a gift for her incoming baby. (Jackie, not the Empress. The Empress has a whole crown made of stars, she can probably magic her own baby supplies.) 

The Emperor

I thought the stick he's got in his right hand was some kind of racquet at first. Like a pickleball paddle or something. And the goat meant: GOAT. Like this distinguished gentleman is the Pickleball Champion of the World. But no, now I think the stick is a gingerbread person with the legs ripped off. Quite a letdown from Empress, I've gotta say. Just another Logan Roy. I can practically hear him telling his son to laugh at a normal volume because they didn't get him from a hyena farm. 

The Hierophant 

Based on my entire lifetime of playing video games, what I'm getting here is that the symbol on this priest's cloak, the two keys, we're gonna find that same symbol on a locked door — or series of locked doors — around the kingdom, and the only way to unlock them to get inside and fight the undead is by using the weird-shaped key that Hierophant’s holding in his left hand. The two nerds in front of him represent me and my friends solving this riddle. 

The Lovers

Oh! Or maybe The Hierophant's key leads to this secret sexy garden where you can makeout with your girl in peace while a winged cherub flies around shooting love arrows down at you. Or maybe the cherub shoots candy. Maybe he's got a quiver full of pink and red Starburst or a whole thing of Sour Patch Kids! (There's no indication he's got candy, but there's certainly an element of Wonka-ness going on with that Hierophant.) 

The Chariot

Your honor, I love her. The Chariot is exactly how all Hollywood costume designers indicate that a character is bisexual. Denim on denim, leather, TWO motorcycles. Is she wearing one of the stars from the Empress' crown? Are they GIRLFRIENDS? The softie and the reformed rake? If I drew this card, I would know that today is the day I'm going to get my first zombie kill. 

Strength

She's the Ultimate Cat Lady, which I know because her cat is the dang King of the Jungle and they're wearing matching flowers and she has the infinity sign above her head. Cat Lady Forever. Strength and Fool are my favorites so far. I think they should open up an animal rescue together. 

The Hermit 

Is she looking to see if The Fool leapt off this overhang? I'm imagining her murmuring poetry to herself, like probably Robert Frost, talking about, "My little horse must think it's queer / to stop without a farmhouse near / But is this the cliff where our Fool fell? / When they quit over another meeting that could have been email." 

The Wheel of Fortune 

Legs of a lion, head of a lady, best friend of a snake? She's the ship captain who brings us through the storm with quiet competence, even when it seems like we've drifted too far north and ice islands are starting to form around our hull. But she doesn't look worried, so we won't worry. We'll just tie our knots and sing our shanties while she guides us home. 

Justice

Absolutely Chariot's ex. She kept telling Chariot she didn't want anything serious and Chariot agreed, but in her secret heart, Chariot wanted a wife. One night Chariot drunkenly blurted it out — and the next morning, Justice’s stuff was gone from their apartment. “Sorry, baby.” Unfortunately, Justice is a high profile human rights lawyer, so Chariot was always having to see her all over the news saving the world. Then Chariot met Empress and realized what she’d been missing.

The Hanged Man 

You ever been to a meditation retreat in Portland? Well, now you have. 

Death

Because I could not stop for Death—
He kindly stopped for me—
A crimson crown, a flower flag—
His horse was quite jaunty. 

He clomped along—skeletal face
And I had put away
My Kindle and my Gameboy too,
Death didn't come to play.

We passed the Cliff, where Fool jumped off—
Passed Chariot on her bike—
On her way to find a brood,
of vampires to fight.

Temperance

Oh my gosh, is this the Fool? Did they get their wings? They totally did! And now they're making magic tea on the beach! Also there's a crown in the background, indicating that true kings prioritize their own health and happiness over the grind. 

The Devil 

Locking people up and making them inhale your secondhand smoke is some real garbage behavior, Devil. Oh wait, I see. This is Fool's old workplace. The chains and smoke are metaphors for being trapped in a blame-and-shame system that discourages autonomy and personal growth. So relieved our bb got out of here. 

The Tower

See, okay, here's further proof Fool was right to hop off that ledge! If they'd stayed a second longer at the Devil's workshop, they'd be one of these shadow-people flung from the top floor of the building after it exploded in a lightning strike! Devil's still in there like, "This Zoom is not over! Get back in here or I'll have no one else to blame for my mistakes!" 

The Star

It's Emily from Stardew Valley! Just out here running her tropical bird sanctuary before heading out for her shift at the Stardrop Saloon where I will be stopping by later to gift her an amethyst right in Clint's face. 

The Moon

I haven't seen Yellowjackets but I think this is a scene from Yellowjackets. 

The Sun

Whoa where'd this literal human baby come from? Somebody come get this baby! I cannot be responsible for a baby when I could be called to leap off a cliff at any moment! Hello? There's a lost baby over here! Doggo, where'd you get this baby? Can you please take it to its home? Or maybe drop it off at the Empress' house? She seems like she'd be a great mom. 

Judgment

Is this a deer god? Is this also a scene from Yellowjackets? Oh, shit, this deer's got the Emperor's leg-less gingerbread man! And he's using it to calculate the difference in weight between… a human heart and a bird feather? Looks like the feather weighs more than the heart. I don't know what any of this means. I am clearly not ready for whatever lesson Yellowjackets is teaching. 

The World 

My best friend growing up, her dad was named Mr. Douglas and he worked for the Department of Natural Resources. He absolutely forbade us from killing snakes. I one time did kill one on accident, with a shovel — and then I staged it to look like the snake bit himself in half. I don't think Mr. Douglas believed me. However, it looks like World is way more clever than me because she's a hottie who has tricked a snake into actually eating itself! Way smarter than Adam or Eve, and way smarter than me.