Greatest Hits: Lesbian Sex Scenes I Wrote Before I Had Lesbian Sex

“It felt like being beat by ocean waves — but in a good way.”

Feb 02, 2024

Howdy, friends! It has been a wild week here in New York City — or, well, inside my body inside my house inside New York City. I fell off one (1) step and wrecked my ankle, I was out of one (1) Long Covid medicine and my lungs stopped functioning properly, and the sun hasn’t shined in weeks, which means my eyeball’s been about to ‘splode with a migraine every day.

Have no fear, though! I have ordered some (1 pint) egg drop soup and two (2) egg rolls for lunch so I feel like things are destined to turn around. I’ve been working on three different posts for you: a color-dive on the pink of Nimona and the pink of Barbie, an essay on friendship (requested by longtime reader Zimillie), and a follow-up to last week’s Disappointing People chart. But I’m not going to get any of those done before next week and I didn’t want to leave you hanging on a newsletter this week, so I’m sharing one of my all-time greatest hits with you, published originally on Autostraddle in 2015 (remember 2015? remember not thinking about Donald Trump, like, ever?)

These are ten lesbian sex scenes I wrote before I had lesbian sex, back when I was always trying to do right by the homosexuals in classic British literature and also the ones in outer space.

Trigger warning: secondhand embarrassment.

1. “Boobs were one of life’s great mysteries.”

I love this because I wrote the literal word “boob” a hundred times, and also Anne has a fifty-foot wingspan and is built like Gumby, able to bend and stretch her body in superhuman ways. I didn’t understand sex or basic human anatomy at this point in my life, apparently.

Anne knew that Diana was married now, and she herself had pledged herself to be with Gilbert, but you had to admit that boobs were one of life’s great mysteries and Anne loved to investigate these things. She didn’t pull her hand away from Diana’s boob where Diana had placed it. She kept it there, on top of her dress.
“I’ve wanted to do this for a long time,” said Diana.
“Me too,” said Anne.
Her hand was still on Diana’s boob. How best to get Diana out of this dress? With one hand still on Diana’s boob, Anne reached around and unbuttoned her out of the back of her dress. With her hand still on Diana’s boob, she unlaced Diana’s boots. She switched her hands, still keeping one on the boob, and also was able to get Diana out of that awful corset, then her underthings. Finally, her hand was on Diana’s naked boob, and they were not such a mystery anymore.

2. “Jo had thought a lot about what it meant to be a lesbian during the Civil War.”

I think this was the very first lesbian fan fiction I wrote. I’ve never met anyone called Penelope in my life. Is that even a real name?

Jo March was a lesbian. She was a gay woman! She looked into the looking glass and said it to herself in a whisper. “I am a gay woman.” And then she said it even louder. “I am a gay woman!” Penelope appeared in the doorway, stark naked. “Prove it,” she smirked. Jo had thought a lot about what it meant to be a lesbian during the Civil War but she had not considered really that sex was going to be a part of that package. That was, until she met Penelope!
Jo, indeed, decided to prove it!
The first thing she did was to get naked so Penelope wouldn’t feel insecure. She could tell Penelope was thankful. She walked across the room to the doorway where Penelope was standing and pulled her into an embrace that led to wild kissing and pretty soon Jo March was touching her first breast! Why, she had never even touched her own breast before! Nipples were fantastic! Breasts were soft and nipples were hard, pebbly even! What a nice surprise!
Penelope also touched Jo’s breasts and they too turned pebbly.
They were on the bed then, still kissing and rubbing all over each other’s nipples. Finally, Penelope slid her luxurious thigh between Jo’s legs and that’s when Jo proved once and for all that she really was a gay woman.

3. “It felt like being beat by ocean waves — but in a good way.”

Librasexual is like when you’re into girls for sex but boys for their giant book collections, okay? It made perfect sense.

Elizabeth did love Mr. Darcy, but she also did love Charlotte. Perhaps she loved the idea of Mr. Darcy in the sense that he was quite rich and had a really extensive library, but Charlotte was the person Elizabeth was more interested in kissing and touching affectionately. They had always been more affectionate with each other than Elizabeth had been with any of her sisters. They snuggled up in the barn sometimes and read books or told stories or occasionally even gossiped. Maybe Elizabeth wasn’t bisexual or maybe she was. Maybe she was librasexual.
She would never have a nice library with Charlotte, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t have a nice time with her right now, while everyone was visiting Netherfield Park and Charlotte was here with her lips attached to Lizzie’s.
Elizabeth kissed her back, passionately and crazily! In less than five minutes, they were completely out of their dresses and straddling each other in the middle of the room where the Bennets kept their small art collection. They kept on kissing and touching each other and before Elizabeth even realized what was happening, she was climaxing. It felt like being beat by ocean waves — but in a good way. The waves crashed and crashed over her and she felt out of control like she was drowning but she knew she was safe here in Charlotte’s arms.

4. “Let’s hear it for double breasts!”

There are a LOT of numbers in this fan fiction. Janeway loves to count when she has sex. Also, I have no idea why Seven doesn’t have a belly button.

Kathryn Janeway may have been the captain of the USS Voyager, but she didn’t care too much about being in control in bed when it came to Seven of Nine. She’d helped Seven claim her humanity, that was plenty of control; plus, she flew a damn starship. “I fly a damn starship,” she accidentally said out loud.
Seven laughed. “I know you do,” she said.
“Let’s hear it for female starship captains!” Kate proclaimed, as Seven began kissing her way down her neck.
“Let’s hear it for double breasts!” Seven replied.
That really was one of the best things about lesbian sex, when you thought about it. Double breasts. Four of them, not just double. Most women had double breasts. Kate liked four together! Four nipples, two on two, pressed into each other. That was how she liked it. Two sets of lips, four hands, four nipples, two vaginas, one belly-button (because Seven didn’t have one), ten fingers and one hell of an explosive orgasm!
Sometimes even more than one orgasm, like tonight, when Seven finished her ministrations with her hands and immediately began applying them with her mouth.

5. “One again Elizabeth Bennet found herself with her hand in her pants…”

I have helpfully summed up the plot of every Jane Austen novel for you with the first line of this story. Also, please don’t read this. It will ruin your life.

If Lizzie was honest with herself, she had to admit that twice refusing Mr. Darcy’s marriage proposal was going to make her life a potential living hell. She didn’t have any money or prospects, nor did she want any prospects. The only prospect she wanted was to steal Charlotte away from that ridiculous Mr. Collins. One again Elizabeth Bennet found herself with her hand in her pants thinking of the days she and her best friend had spent some “alone time” in the barn, pretending to be in there reading but actually instead kissing each other and dry humping.
Charlotte said other girls did it but Lizzie didn’t know if that was true and she didn’t care. It felt great and she actually loved Charlotte, unlike these stupid sailors and soldiers who showed up in Meryton all the time acting like they were God’s gift because they had a uniform, one thousand a year, and were men. They were so full of themselves when they’d probably never even read a single book! Mr. Darcy was a little bit better, eventually, but he wasn’t a woman and that’s what Elizabeth Bennet craved. Not just any woman, though — her Charlotte!
Elizabeth worked her hand furiously and imagined Charlotte’s breath on her neck. Like usual, it worked. In no time, she was all finished up.
She had to think of a way to get Charlotte back from Mr. Collins… but how??

6. “Kissing girls was 99 percent better than kissing boys.”

Misandry is a common theme in my early work.

Anne didn’t have a lot of experience with kissing, but just one brush of Diana’s lips told her that kissing girls was 99 percent better than kissing boys. Girls’ lips were softer. Girls’ hands were softer. Girls were just softer, full stop. Anne was eager to know if that was true under Diana’s clothes as well, but unsure if her bosom buddy was ready to go that far. They were both adults now, and just visiting home, but if Marilla caught them, they’d be in a world of trouble. Not to mention Diana’s wanker ass husband. Oh, how Anne hated him! She wanted to run him over with a horse or with a team of horses and a carriage, but she wouldn’t think of that just now.
Instead, she concentrated on Diana’s lips gently touching her lips. These dresses were horrible. How would they ever get out of them, be with each other, and get back into them without being caught?
“Should we do this later?” Anne asked. “Perhaps we could sneak away during the church picnic?”
Diana kissed her even more ferociously. “No,” she said. “I want to do this right now!”
Anne had imagined their first time going a little bit differently, but this was okay too. Better than okay because it was Diana, even though it was hurried. They probably would sneak away during the church picnic, though, judging by the flush on Diana’s cheeks when they were finished with each other.

7. “Her orgasm was immediate thunder!”

I stand by my assertion that Jane Fairfax is the most prolific lover of all Austen heroines.

Emma had been a fool and she understood this now. All the time she spent trying to set up Jane with the men in this neighborhood, it had just been a way for her to figure out what Jane liked so Emma could become that person. When Emma told Jane this, Jane cupped Emma’s face in her hands and said, “Just be the person you are, my dear Emma. That’s who I fell in love with.”
She slipped her tongue into Emma’s mouth and her thigh between Emma’s legs, and her orgasm was immediate thunder. She’s never had anyone love her for exactly who she was before! Perhaps orgasms could be emotional too? Indeed she had just proven it!

8. “Anne was pretty goddamn sure all women liked kissing like this.”

No, but like REALLY hated Diana Berry’s husband.

Ruby Gillis had always thought she was better than Anne, just because Anne was an orphan and Ruby had so many fancy older sisters who knew everything, but here was a thing Ruby Gillis didn’t know: how to make love to a woman. And Anne sure did know, thanks to Diana. (Anne couldn’t think about Diana right now, or her shitty husband.) Anne kissed Ruby to make her stop talking. Ruby made a surprised little squeaking sound, but in a pleasant way; she liked it. Anne was pretty goddamn sure all women liked kissing like this.
Anne kissed Ruby’s neck and everywhere else while she wrestled her out of her dress, and Ruby really liked it. She giggled and thankfully stopped talking so much. Anne licked and tweaked her way around Ruby’s body, wishing it was Diana, but also not wishing it was Diana because she honestly couldn’t take much more of this push-pull, when Diana seemed determined to not actually leave her beast of a husband. Anne was here with Ruby now, though.
She said her name: Ruby, Ruby. Ruby seemed to like that. (Of course she did.)
Anne worked her way all around Ruby’s body until Ruby was a shuddering, satisfied mess in Anne’s arms.
“Your turn!” Ruby said and Anne reluctantly agreed.

9. “Talking dirty came as naturally to her as making cupcakes.”

Hello, trolley people!

Mia Thermopolis was now the adult Princess of Genovia, which meant she had a lot of responsibilities that didn’t include Lily Moscovitz. She missed Lily desperately, though, and not just as her best friend but also as her lover. Mia remembered the time they’d spent together the last time Lily was here in Genovia. She’d had to tell her grandma that Lily was sick and needed her rest in bed, when in reality Lily was just fine and they were doing other stuff in bed.
Mia wrote a letter to Lily.
These are the things I miss about you:
1. Your sweet and evil laugh.
2. Your sense of social responsibility.
3. Your lips on mine.
4. Your hands all over my body.
5. Your hands inside my body.
But she crumpled it up and threw it away because if the letter got intercepted by a spy from another country, she’d be in huge trouble. Anyway, she couldn’t talk dirty in print. Talking dirty in real life came as easy to her as making cupcakes, but writing it down took all the fun out of it. Maybe instead she could get a private jet ride to the States for a quick weekend with Lily. But of course, spies against Genovia were everywhere.

10. “I want us to take this thing to the next level, sexually.”

I don’t even know.

Every night for the rest of her life, Jo March thanked the stars for bringing the Time Machine into her life. Without it, she would never have met Jane Eyre, who had become her best friend and the love of her life. On this night, after she thanked her lucky stars, she said to Jane, “I want us to take this thing to the next level, sexually.” And reader, they did.

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