I Love This Dr. Pepper Lesbian Rom-Com

I can definitively prove this commercial is a sapphic romance.

Despite being married to a film school nerd — Northwestern magna cum laude, thank you very much — I don't know a whole lot about movies. I just don't like them as much as I like TV and books, even the gay ones. Maybe, actually, especially the gay ones, because, in terms of percentages, most lesbian movies are more depressing than a child who has a favorite font, or a pigeon for a pet. Plus, I prefer stories where women fall in love, and in outer space or in castles; and lesbian movies are more about getting your heart ripped from your chest in a failing Canadian bookstore, or in the French countryside, or in prison. Real life is hard enough without watching a gay lady cry for two hours in a dirty, abandoned park, and then also on the city bus ride home to her awful family that doesn't love her. 

So, imagine my surprise when I was minding my own business, watching three hundred women's basketball games back-to-back this weekend, and I saw that Dr. Pepper Studios has released a top ten all-time queer film! It's called Metal & Brass and it's a classic star-crossed, enemies-to-lovers, opposites-attract, coming-of-age masterpiece in which a bisexual teenage goth falls in love with a lesbian band nerd.

I know the goth is bisexual because she is wearing a leather jacket, a lot of eyeliner, ripped jeans, studded belt, and she carries her electric bass everywhere she goes. I know the band nerd is a lesbian because trombones are very weirdly considered a boy instrument, and this girl has chosen to take a coveted spot in the high school band playing trombone, when she's clearly talented enough to play any other blowy instrument, but clearly she wanted to make a boy cry, so. Lesbian. Plus she’s got a pet rabbit which is the second most lesbian pet.

And sweet brass family, the romance tropes! It's Opposites Attract! It's Love at First Sight! It's Forbidden Love! It's Fish Out of Water! It's Grumpy/Sunshine! It's Good Girls Want Bad Girls! It's Women in Uniforms! And the whole time Rick Astley is crooning “Together Forever!” Eat your heart out, John Hughes! 

Actually, you know what? I can definitively prove this is a sapphic romance. Hang on.

I rest my case, your honor.

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