March Madness Mascots, Ranked by My Ability Beat Them in a Fight

An eagle would claw my brains and eyeballs out before I could even scream for help.

Every so often, out of the blue clear sky, my wife starts quizzing me about how to survive various kinds of bear attacks. We live in New York City, so the closest thing we get to vicious animals is pigeons trying to wrestle falafels and pizza slices out of our hands, but Stacy got into some kind of altercation with some yard turkeys in high school in Wisconsin and has been suspicious of all forms of wildlife ever since. I don’t have the heart to tell her that I’m an automatic-freezer when I get scared, so there’s no way I’m walking away from a rendezvous with a bear alive. I always nod along with the lessons like I just might have the wherewithal to clap and sing and ‘make myself bigger’ if I ever happen upon a black bear in the woods — but I know for sure I’d be its supper.

I am not, however, a complete weenie! One time I did fight off a squirrel that fell from a tree right onto me when I was riding my mountain bike. I’ve survived several brutal yellowjacket attacks (the bees, not the cannibal soccer team). And more than once I’ve stood so still that a snake crawled across my feets as it crossed a hiking trail, which isn’t exactly ‘winning’ a fight, but it is ‘surviving’ a fight, and that’s not nothing.

Anyway, it’s March Madness, as I’m sure you know, and just this weekend Stacy did me another one of those bear quizzes, which got me thinking about which March Madness mascots I could beat up. And so this list was born.

Two quick notes: 1) I didn’t look up what any of these mascots actually are, so if a a Hawkeye isn’t a Hawk eyeball, I apologize. 2) Anything that is or sounded even vaguely racist, I left it out.

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Holy Cross Crusaders / Cal Baptist Lancers

I think these mascots are just evangelical Christian missionaries and I’ve been making evangelical Christian missionaries run off in tears for practically my entire adult life.

Ohio State Buckeyes

A buckeye is just a homemade Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and some people also add coconut to it. I’d simply eat it.

Syracuse Orange

Nearly every item of clothing I own is orange; therefore, I would blend right in with this mascot, lie in wait like an assassin until the time was right, and then: POUNCE.

Presbyterian College Blue Hose

Blue socks? Come on. Even my weakest cat (Beth March) could defeat some blue socks.

Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders

Is this just a bunch of Tobias Fünkes? I could easily maim an entire gaggle of Tobias Fünkes at one time.

Duke Blue Devils

Please. I was born and raised in the Southern Baptist church. Little Larry Lucifer’s never gonna get a jump on me.

Vanderbilt Commodores 

A commodore is just some guy on a boat, which, in my experience, is one of the dumbest kind of guys you can come across. You can just say, like, “woke mob” to a boat guy and he’ll die on the spot from an attack of hysteria.

Iowa Hawkeyes

Just a hawk eyeball? On its own? Gross but manageable. Might sell it to a witch.

Alabama Crimson Tide

I believe this is a metaphor for having a period, but joke’s on you, Alabama, I’m perimenopausal. I already beat you.

Creighton Bluejays

A bird that spends this much time with pomade, getting its little tuft of bangs just right, is not a bird that has time to go to the gym. I would destroy it in a fight.

Louisville Cardinals

Another vain little bird that cares more about how it looks than training to defeat me. Her mistake.

Portland Pilots

If Portland was The Flight Attendants, I might be worried. Flight attendants are some of the baddest asses in the whole entire sky. All a pilot’s gotta do is fly the plane, which even a Dodo can do, according to Animal Crossing.

Richmond Spiders

Spooky but easily stomped.

Oregon State Beavers

I never met a beaver who didn’t enjoy my company.

Connecticut Huskies

You ever met a huskie? Wow, they sure do have a lot to say. You’d never even need to fight a huskie. They’d just want to talk everything out, lesbian-style, processing it until literally no words were left and everyone involved felt fully seen and heard.

UT Martin Skyhawks

I might be scared of a regular hawk, but probably a skyhawk is scared of me — otherwise it would COME DOWN HERE AND FIGHT ME.

Virginia Tech Hokies

A hokie is just a drunk turkey. You could just wait half an hour and this thing would pass out on its own.

UNLV / Ole Miss Rebels

Real rebels don’t have to say they’re rebels.

Michigan State / Norfolk State Spartans

When I played Kassandra in Assassin's Creed: Odyssey I killed about ten hundred thousand gazillion Spartans with a broken spear, including my own father for throwing me and my brother off a cliff when we were children. I fear no Spartan.

Maryland Terrapins

I’m not afraid of a turtle with googly eyes.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

Pretty sure a cornhusker just means “a Nebraskan,” and while I don’t have anything against Nebraska, I do think I could probably win in a fight against an average citizen of the state.

Indiana Hoosiers

A Hoosier is just an Indiana Cornhusker.

Texas A&M Aggies

An Aggie is just a Texas Hoosier.

Gonzaga / Drake Bulldogs

Bulldogs are adorable and lazy and all you have to do is give them some pocket bacon and they’ll go right to sleep.

South Dakota State Jackrabbits

I love jackrabbits. They’re like grumpy-looking regular rabbits but somebody drew the ears all wrong on them. They do boxing matches for fun, but their tiny little rabbit fists are no match for mine.

Iowa State Cyclones

The story goes that one time a tornado was coming through Flowery Branch, Georgia, where I grew up, and my mom’s grandmother didn’t have a basement or anything, so she went out and sat in her rocking chair on the front porch and just stared down that tornado until it swerved the other way. So, yeah. I’ve got that dog/DNA in me too.

UCLA Bruins

A bruin is, I believe, a fairy tale bear. And if they’ll tolerate a wishy-washy intruder like Goldilocks breaking and entering into their lovely home, I think I might actually have a shot at walloping one of them.

Kent State Golden Flashes

You cast Golden Flash, I cast Prismatic Sphere. Next!

Sacred Heart Pioneers

According to Oregon Trail, there’s about a zillion ways to defeat a Pioneer. Measles, snakebite, dysentery, typhoid, cholera, exhaustion, drowning, starving, broken legs. Too wobbly to withstand this fire!

Tennessee Lady Vols

I don’t know if I could win a fight against a Lady Vol because I would never be mean to a Lady Vol because legendary coach Pat Summitt is my lifetime idol and I will not disrespect her legacy.

West Virginia Mountaineers

A little bit more intimidating than a guy on a boat, I must say. Anne Lister was a mountaineer. This one’s gonna end in a draw.

UC Irvine Anteaters

Anteaters are terrifying to look at, especially when they start walking! They’re so shaggy but they move like there’s a ghost inside their bodies, and their tongues for sure can be used like soggy leather whips. No, thank you.

Michigan Wolverines

Not as flaccid as Gambit but still no Jean Grey. However, while I was swoon-gawking at Jean Grey, I do feel like Wolverine would have a good chance to catch me off guard with his claws and his biceps.

Florida Gulf Coast / Eastern Washington Regular Eagles

I one time saw a video of an eagle swooping down and lifting a fully grown deer into the air. So, no. I could not beat up an eagle.

Marquette Golden Eagles

An eagle would claw my brains and eyeballs out before I could even scream for help, especially a golden one because she’s probably got magic too.

USC Trojans

I do not stand a chance against Helens of Troy. I have let so many beautiful ice queens destroy my life, and I have never learned a single lesson from it. I’d do it again.

Kansas Jayhawks

See, now this is a rebel. A hawk, already a badass by nature of being a homicidal bird, who also jaywalks because fuck your rules. Would not fight if at all possible.

Fairfield Stags

Unlike this man, I’m not an idiot and would not taunt a stag.

Texas Longhorns

The horns on this thing were literally God’s gift and invitation for it to gore a human to absolute death, so no please and no thank you on the fist fight.

Colorado Buffaloes

I’ve been to Yellowstone National Park several times and one thing I can tell you about buffaloes is that they stay together in groups like high schoolers out in the wild, which means you won’t just get killed by a single buffalo, you will get killed by a whole clique of buffaloes. Will not be fighting.

Maine Black Bears

Black bears are supposedly the bears you’re most likely to escape from as long as you absolutely do not play dead, but I’d faint the second I saw one, so there’s no chance for me.

Baylor Lady Bears

They say “mama bear” like that for a reason. She’ll fucking murder you.

Auburn / Jackson State / Princeton / LSU Tigers

No one in their right mind would fight any kind of cat.

Arizona / Kansas State Wildcats

Especially a cat that can jump FIFTEEN FEET IN THE AIR.

Columbia Lions

Double especially a cat that would kill his own brother.

South Carolina Gamecocks

When I was a little kid my job was feeding the chickens at my great-grandma’s house. She had one rooster and he was the meanest motherfucker you have ever even heard of. He would peck my shins, jump in the air and kick at my eyeballs with his talons, scream like I was trying to axe-murder him instead of feeding him. Every single day he tried to kill me, and if you had a snack in your pocket, he’d steal that too. I hated him. His name was Jeremiah Rooster and I hope he’s burning in hell.

Marshall Thundering Herd

A herd of thunder sounds a little too Greek mythology for my personal comfort.

Dame Fighting Irish

I, for one, will not be betting against the Irish, especially not in this age of reckoning for colonialism. Plus, all the Girls from Derry could make me cry for sure, except James.

Drexel Dragons

I don’t want to fight dragons; I want to befriend dragons. This did one time lead to me bullying my D&D group into giving a dragon an entire army of zombies, but you can’t win ‘em all.

Rice Owls

Owls are just straight up ancient sorcerers, and I would not seek one out to antagonize for any reason.

Stanford Cardinal

The Stanford mascot is actually a goofy-looking tree, and if I’ve learned one thing from reading thousands of fantasy books over the years, it’s that you never, ever mess with the trees.

Green Bay Phoenix

It can’t die, but I sure can.

Update: I removed the Utah Utes from this list. I didn’t realize they were a Native American tribe until someone pointed it out in the comments. I sincerely apologize for that oversight. It’s completely my fault for not looking up any of these mascots. I will not make that mistake in the future.

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